You say that a decrease in libido or bedroom boredom can be beneficial for us and we should not necessarily be afraid of them
No matter how much sexy lingerie, candles, music or incense you buy, boredom will always set in at some point in a relationship! This is because we stick to familiar sexual behaviors and avoid those that might make us nervous and insecure. But boredom is good, because fighting it forces you to leave your comfort zone, in this case your sexual comfort. Of course, expecting development from yourself and your partner – which is always associated with entering the unknown, and thus the emergence of fears – can undermine the foundations of many marriages, because it is not easy to motivate anyone to change. However, the more we avoid situations that cause discomfort and thus give us the opportunity to develop, the more desire weakens. Therefore, problems with it can create tension in us, which will ultimately force us to grow.
In the book Passionate Marriage I read that instead of working on the marriage, we should let the marriage work on us. What does it mean?
These days, virtually everyone accepts the idea that a successful marriage requires effort from both parties. The only question is how much effort it will take. What exactly are you supposed to do? When people talk about working on a relationship, it’s like they want to give it a shape they like or expect. Don’t like where your relationship is going? Plan quality time for two. Are you unhappy with how your partner talks to you? Talk to him using the “I” message. Do you want your partner to take a step back because you are afraid of intimacy? Tell him you need space. And when these “work on the relationship” solutions don’t work, you back off or look for a new partner. In Passionate Marriage, I propose a different approach. I explain that marriage is de factoa sophisticated self-development machine that challenges your limits and stretches them to allow you to grow.
Many problems in marriage are inevitable because of our limited emotional development. Moreover, the solution to these problems is not to avoid them, but to take up the challenges that married life throws at us. In other words, this marriage works on you, not the other way around. The key here is your development as a human, not the development of some skill