Men’s sexuality through the eyes of psychotherapist

What affects sexuality in men? How to help a man who separates sex from feelings? What does his mother have to do with it? And how important is the size and shape of the penis for pleasure in bed – explains a psychotherapist.

How shall we say: penis, phallus, member?

Let’s list the whole range at once: wacek, horse, dick, bird, dick, wire, dick, ch…j. The name-forming fecundity associated with the male genitalia exceeds that associated with the female crotch. But also, as many names, as many problems are revealed during psychotherapy of psychogenic disorders of potency and fertility. The first ones appear in the mother’s womb. The male fetus is flooded with so much female hormones that it is difficult for it to become a man. Especially when the mother devours chickens and other industrially produced meats loaded with hormones. Researchers are finding growing evidence that an excess of female hormones in the environment may be the cause of the growing phenomenon of single testicle failure and failure to descend into the scrotum in male infants. The incidence of phimosis – narrowing of the foreskin that prevents the free protrusion of the glans – also increases in boys.

So the boy may only be a few years old and already have two traumas.

This is often accompanied by erection shaming. Little boys have it that when they are warm and safe, they get an erection. This happens to male babies while breastfeeding. Unfortunately, many inexperienced mothers react to this even with disgust. The boy may be told that he is a “little dirty” that “that’s not how you do it”. So it’s worth knowing that erection in pre-pubertal boys has nothing to do with sex. It’s best not to notice it. Consider it an expression of contentment and bliss. But it doesn’t end there. Embarrassed, insecure, and at risk of losing his bond with his mother, the boy may have difficulty controlling his sphincter, bed-wetting, and guilt. To make matters worse, it is often accompanied by rejection by peers. Another reason to be ashamed – the boy is maturing and there are nocturnal pollutants. This natural stage of psychophysiological development is stigmatized by the very name: night stain. How do you deal with pajama bottoms and sheets that are stiff with dried semen?

Another shame?!

Why should the mother be the first to know that her little teddy bear could become a father? From the reaction of the mother and father, much depends on the life of the future man. It would be best to make a small initiation ceremony into manhood out of it. The more so that the acquisition of sexual maturity by a boy is sometimes burdened with fear of changing the relationship with his mother (“I stopped being a child for her”) and being driven out of the herd by a jealous father (“I became my father’s rival”). Even greater fear and guilt about the father may be caused by the mother’s protective response to the sexual needs of her adolescent son. All this together can also install a negative attitude towards one’s own sexuality in the psyche. And then the repressed youthful sexuality becomes a demon acting out of the blue. However, the drive pressure takes its toll and the boy discovers autoeroticism.

But how do you make love to a demon?

You have to fight the demon. So what could be helpful in assimilating boyish sexuality, i.e. autoeroticism, turns into self-aggressive, self-punishing self-abuse. He then rapes himself, treating the sensitive parts of the body – created for loving contact with others – as an enemy. And the internal conflict and conflicting feelings only increase because this enemy gives him pleasure and relief. He resolves this conflict with even greater denial: “It’s not me, it’s him/her/satan doing this to me against my will.” In this way, he breeds a demon with whom he takes up the fight. Meanwhile, sin/evil and suffering are born where the ray of awareness that we live in the trap of a self-affirming prophecy of evil does not reach. Oh, and wonderful sexuality is dismissed as something dirty over which there is no control. There is a conflict in the body and psyche:

Some artists, such as Andrzej Wróblewski, paint people broken up by trauma. And the boy we are talking about is also cut with it – sexuality here, heart here – before he meets a woman. I’m guessing the first time will be difficult?

Because how is he supposed to contact the other sex sexually and in a human way? The more so that the boy begins to experience astonishing states for himself. At the sight – or even the mere idea – of an attractive girl, he has violent physiological reactions: he gets an erection, his heart pounding, his legs go weak, and sometimes he ejaculates spontaneously. He experiences both the humiliation of the loss of self-control and the paralyzing delight. Without any knowledge or support from adults, alone and humiliated at a huge cost, he tries to push the whole mess out of his mind. He often turns it into aggression and contempt for beings that arouse such difficult states in him.

But sometimes he also tries to have sex.

He has no other choice, but he does it in a state of internal conflict and, often intoxicating his consciousness with alcohol or designer drugs, he wastes a unique opportunity to experience a conscious, heart-connected initiation. That is why the initiation is usually crazy, chaotic, sloppy – it leaves you unsatisfied and disgusted. Here again comes the self-fulfilling prophecy: “If I feel so bad, then I must have done something wrong.” That is why so often sexual initiation is a failure for both parties. Generally greater for boys and men than for girls. Because conflicted male sexuality and the associated keeping of hands away from one’s own genitals preserves the enormous hypersensitivity of the entire system. Then one touch of a girl’s hand is enough to cause ejaculation.

It also often appears in a man when he wants to quickly end a situation that causes subconscious remorse: “If I’m already doing something bad/dirty, let it last as short as possible.” And again shame and humiliation, especially when the disappointed partner mocks, despises.

Watching pornography and autosex not helping?

NO. They do not help to prepare for initiation, because they intensify complexes and create a false image of a sexual relationship. How is a boy supposed to feel with his unexperienced in love battles, oversensitive pee, watching the incredible specimens of male genitals and their inexhaustible perseverance? In addition, the sexual action of these professionals lasts several dozen minutes. How to meet such patterns?! But the most damaging element of pornographic education is that it strips sex of the context of emotional bonding between partners. It is a dehumanizing, degrading pattern that young people, in the absence of others, accept as right. On the other hand, for adult but immature men, pornography becomes an easy escape from the risk and hardship of a real relationship with a woman.

I will ask: what’s wrong with sex for sex’s sake? Must be love?

Okay, let’s not set the bar so high. But let’s not run away from the truth that sex in a mature love relationship is of the highest quality and depth. And after sex completely devoid of feelings and bonds, there is a hangover, disgust, a sense of loneliness and loss. It is our heart – abused, deprived of a voice and the right to decide on a matter as important as sexual intimacy – does not leave us alone.

Until recently, women limited the male propensity to spread semen wherever possible, brought from the days of chasing the jungles and savannahs. They stood guard at the entrance to the temple of Aphrodite, where the hearts, bodies and souls of partners in a sexual act were united. No man could enter there with a closed heart and an absent spirit. Unless he asked for rescue and was willing to pay for it. But today women themselves are willing to spread their eggs, send them to their banks.

A 26-year-old friend calls me and says that for the first time in his life he didn’t have an erection because he fell in love.

The reason may be an unconscious fear of involving the heart in a sexual relationship with a woman. It’s a symptom of mental splitting. Let us repeat: in order to be able to connect the genitals to the heart, one must first have these genitals conscious and assimilated, consider them a fully valuable part of oneself. Many men struggle with this for years. That is why they realize their sexuality on sex portals or in sex clubs, while being in white love relationships in which they once conceived children and then stopped sexual activity. Their understanding of love is that where there are good feelings, there can be no sex. But there may be more hidden reasons for this. For example, the Oedipus complex ordering fidelity to mother. Narcissism demands constant reaffirmation in new, casual relationships. And the passive aggression transferred from the relationship with the mother is directed at the woman who will love. Mind, heart and sex are a complicated, multidimensional reality.

How does the Oedipus complex cause fissions?

Boys have phases of erotic interest in their mother: at the age of four, five and puberty. The boy’s mother should gently but firmly set limits to her son’s seductive behavior: neither enjoy nor provoke his adoration. Even when your son is tiny, don’t kiss him on the mouth, don’t let him be kissed on the mouth, on the neck, and even on the hair. Not to mention other erogenous zones. Make it clear to your son that these are areas of her body reserved for her partner. Otherwise, the son will have to face the taboo of incest himself and may make an unconscious decision: where there is love, there is no place for sex.

She is now 40 years old, mom did not set boundaries, what should she do?

Undertake therapy and reach for the early relationship with his mother, recall the feelings he experienced at that time, which could not be realized at the time, because it was too dangerous. That is to realize and forgive children’s sexual desires and fantasies related to the mother. Understand that it was his natural right, that it was not his fault. To realize that it was the mother’s—and the father’s—responsibility not to create a situation that promised any fulfillment. Do not punish or humiliate. He should finally understand that it was his mother who betrayed his trust as an adult and deserved his wrath, not his partner.

But how can you be angry with your mother?

To connect the genitals to the heart, you have to be able to de-brown your mother and get angry with her. Only then will the heart cease to be reserved for the mother and the partner’s disembodied love, and the genitals – for secretly practiced sinful sex.

The oral has become a sign of our times, the great entry of the phallus into pop culture is through the mouth. Why?

Orality is considered an immature form of sexuality. This mature presupposes reproductive abilities and needs, and the desire for penetration. And since sexuality in our pop culture has become a commodity that is supposed to provide easy and quick pleasure, oral sex fits like a glove. The popularity of oral sex is associated with the promotion of hedonism, consumer sex, easy and accessible – hence the phrase “do blowjob”. But oral sex also has additional, significant advantages for men. He relieves them of the responsibility of bringing a woman to orgasm. It is the man who can feel taken care of and well-groomed. He can consider oral caressing as quasi-sex, so even if it happens to him somewhere on the side, it does not fall into the category of cheating. Of course, there is nothing wrong with oral sex. It even strengthens the bond, mutual bodily acceptance. As long as it guarantees reciprocity. But it is a pity to limit sexuality to this dimension only.

Does the shape of a member speak about the owner’s psyche? When a man has a small child, he has to try hard to impress women, so he achieves a lot? And the one with the big one is lazy?

I don’t know a reliable typology. For children, there is the “Big Book of Pees”, which familiarizes them with the subject. I only know the folk typology: “balloon” and “sausage”. The point is that there are men who have a tiny organ without an erection, but an impressive one when erect. It’s a balloon. There are also penises that impress with their length when they are at rest, but they do not grow in length when erect. Consoling data for the zakompleksiony say what size allows you to satisfy a woman, and it is surprisingly small. The circumference matters more.

Men think that the female vagina is infinite. Meanwhile, a too large phallus can cause pain, not ecstasy.

There are men – and probably more – who will always think that their penis is too small. Low self-esteem makes them dislike anything about themselves and self-aggressively devalue themselves. The penis gets the most. But if a man has a good, realistic self-esteem, he usually doesn’t pick on the size of his genitals. Infertility is a blow to male self-esteem.

Contrary to appearances, so the man has a huge problem between his legs. In our culture, God and Satan have been haggling over his penis for millennia. The church and the state are also fighting for it. There is also a bargain and conflict between mother and wife, between wife and mistress, etc.