Author Archives: admin

A relationship or casual sex for you?

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Would you like to be in a relationship right now? Turns out, contrary to the media frenzy on casual sex that suggests that people are only interested in casual sex….well, that’s just not the whole story.

Recently, researchers asked 706 undergraduates if they would prefer to be in a traditional romantic relationship or an uncommitted sexual relationship? Turns out, quite a few of those undergrads would choose a relationship over casual sex (63% of males and 83% of females, actually).

There’s lots of reasons why casual sex and hooking up is trending right now…things like more people going to college/university (or some type of post-secondary education) than ever, higher rates of sex before marriage, widespread use of contraceptives, higher rates of living together before marriage = a later age of first marriage and subsequently, more casual sex.

But not as much casual sex as you think. This study from 2003 asked participants about their comfort regarding hooking-up and how comfortable they thought their peers were about hooking up. Turns out people really overestimate how cool their peers are with hooking up which may result in people thinking they since all of their peers are cool with casual sex, they should be, too.

So let’s all relax. Not everyone is having casual sex. And for those who choose to engage in casual sex, well it seems to be a bit of a norm for young adults and that’s okay. … read more

Great first dates

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So what does a great first date look like?

Well you probably shouldn’t hate the person, that’s a good place to start. You shouldn’t dread spending 2 hours with this person. You probably shouldn’t be thinking of all the other things that you were rather be doing. But heck, if you don’t want the date to end, then by golly, I think you might just be having a great date!

When I lecture about first dates, I love to ask the audience about the best type of activity for a first date. I give them options like going to a fun bar, going on a hike, having dinner at a nice restaurant, or doing to see a new movie.

Surprisingly I get people voting for the movie option. I think that’s the worst place if you really don’t know the person since in my opinion, first dates are really for Q&A and it’s hard to play Q&A in a silent movie theatre.

There are those that favour the night at a fun bar…I can live with that – assuming the people both enjoy being out in a loud, busy environment. Whatever floats your boat.

Dinner at a resto is a classic…maybe not a great idea for a first online date (because really we just need to make sure your pics check out and you’re not a troll and that you have some social skills, so I think coffee or drinks is better – in and out!) but dinner can be fine for a non-online first date.

But here is why the hike (or some other physical activity date) is the best idea…

In 1974, these researchers conducted the Capilano Suspension Bridge Study. And here’s how it went down…

2 different bridges are used for the study. One is the Capilano Suspension Bridge (unsteady bridge). The other is a bridge made of wood, not high, person can clearly see the ground beneath them (steady bridge).

A female researcher stands on the bridge and approaches males who pass by. She invites them to participate in a study on the effects of exposure to scenic attraction on creative expression. Men complete a short little survey package where they are asked to write a brief dramatic story based on a picture of a woman that they are given. Men complete the questionnaire and are told to call the female researcher if they would like more information about the study (she tears off a piece of paper and writes down her name and number).

They measure sexual content of the stories AND whether or not the men call her for more information.

And what happens? Well men who were on the unsteady bridge were more likely to write stories that included sexual content. They were … read more

One of these things is (not) like the other

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Speed dating research is a bit of a hot topic in the relationship research literature these days. Why you ask? Well its kind-of a perfect blend of mimicking real-world situations where we make quick judgments potential dating partners. Researchers can re-create these situations and run multiple speed dating events. And bonus if you are a participant who leaves a research study with 8 phone numbers. Not bad, right?

What do we know about speed dating? Well we know it matters who sits and who moves seats – the person who moves seats takes on a more active role – even when they are women. We know that who else in the room matters – especially if you perceive your fellow same-sex speed daters as steep competition.

But what about the qualities of the actual speed daters themselves?

Well in this study 187 undergrads came in and took part in a speed dating event with 11-12 dates. Before the event, they filled out an online questionnaire assessing various personality measures such as religion, hobbies and interests, political background, how attractive someone would rate him/herself, etc.

So participants do the speed dating event and after each date, they take 2 min and fill out the same info about how they would rate their various dates, how similar they think they are to the partners, and how much they liked the partners.

And how does similarity measure up?

Well turns out….just thinking you are similar to your speed dating partner was a more legit predictor of participants matching (both partners listing each other at end of event) and partners reporting that they liked the other person.

So the people could actually be quite different (not share that much in common based on their separate questionnaire scores) but report that they think the person is similar and that they would like to meet the other person. Weird, right?

So…opposites don’t attract. Sharing interests matters. Buuuut…maybe that just matters to keep people together in the long-run. Appearing similar seems to get you into the first half of the game.… read more

Relationship TSN Turning Points 1

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According to relationship research, there are two big types of turning points for relationships:

Reflective turning points – meeting partner’s family for the first time à sparks the discussion “Hey, what’s going on with us?”

Causal turning points – partner cheats on you and it sparks a different kind of discussion “Hey, we need to talk”

These are what I like to call a TSN Turning Point

According to relationship researchers, there are a number of stages to relationship development. Here is a hybrid version of the models:

Initiation (first impressions, light convo to see if person good fit for you)

Experimentation (partners try to find common interests/hobbies, most people never move beyond this stage because you might think “This person is boring, yo”)

Intensification (people ramp up disclosure to see what kind of impression they’re making once ‘dating’ has started happening, if the person introduces the other as their partner/boyfriend/girlfriend, does the other person lose their bananas? What happens when one of the partners goes away for the weekend? Do they stay in contact?)

“What’s going on between us?” (Often coincides with the condom conversation…hopefully!! If people were using them in the first place!!. So someone might say ““I’d really like to stop using condoms. Buuuuuut, that might mean we need to discuss where we are both at with things…are you seeing anyone else?”

And btw – the condo to go sans condom SHOULD be followed up with 2 other key questions: “When is the last time you were tested” and “How many sexual partners have you had since you were last tested?” = these are really really important questions!!!

Now, according to some relationship models, the sexual relationship would develop after the conversation about what is going on with us – but I think we all know that for many young adults that has changed and sex happens WAY before this convo. But back to the ‘model’….

Integration (two individuals start being known as a couple, do things together, only show up as a couple to social functions)

Bonding (people make a public commitment to other person – such as marriage or nowadays, a much more popular way to show you are legit in a relationship – being “in a relationship” with the person on Facebook). For more info on ‘becoming Facebook official, see this post by my colleague and BFF, Amy Muise 

So we’re all good right?

But then the bottom falls out…

(see the Break-Up post for the rest of the story)… read more

Relationship TSN Turning Points 2

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Bam! Another TSN Turning Point. But this one is not that great of a TSN Turning Point because shit really hits the fan here…

So things used to be great, but you’re having doubts. Enter the relationship dissolution phases. Let me walk you through the model…

Individualization (people talk about “me” instead of “we”, people resent being in a relationship and having to compromise for someone else)

Circumscribing (topics discussed become very superficial and shallow to avoid any potential fights)

De-intensification/avoidance (partners physically avoid each other, someone stops answering calls/texts, person is all the sudden busy all the time or out with friends)

Separation/Termination (relationship over, could re-start remains but difficult, partners start to untangle from one another’s lives ranging from divorce to packing someone’s stuff up in a box and the dreaded – untagging yourself from being in a relationship on Facebook – the horror)

Post-interaction effect (recalibrating to being single, RSVP’ing to events as only “1”)

Now the weird thing is, we don’t know much about break-ups. Turns out, us relationship and sex researchers are much more interested in the beginning and the middle part of relationships, than the unraveling of people’s lives as their relationships fall apart. Our bad.

But here is some cool research being done at the University of New Brunswick (that’s in Canada) on break-ups that was recently presented at the annual Canadian Sex Research Forum conference in Charlottetown, PEI.

276 adults between 18-25yrs (66% female) were recruited online (Facebook, Twitter) to fill out an online survey. They had all experienced a break-up in the past 12 months.

The researchers asked about “pursuit” behaviours – behaviours typically described as in-person stalking (showing up at someone’s house or work) or cyberstalking (harassing someone via email).

Turns out, most of us like to “pursue” our ex’s a little bit. 78% of this sample reported having engaged in some type of pursuit behaviours of an ex in the past year.

Most common pursuit behaviour?  – we like to call our ex (47%) or ask around regarding what they are up to (40%).Some of us like to send our ex special messages of affection online like “I love you” (22%) or just email them to make sure they keep us in the loop on their new life that mostly doesn’t include us in it (40%).

The good news is that only a few of us say things to scare our ex’s or pretend to be someone else in order to get information from them. That’s nice of us, huh?

So moral of the story here…I don’t know….maybe don’t be an asshole to your ex and don’t stalk them. That sounds reasonable, right? And don’t be an asshole to someone you’re dating but about to break up with? Nobody likes … read more

Date or mate?

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Does what you look for in a spouse or date differ? What about in a same-sex friend versus a cross-sex friend? This results from this study suggest, yes!

But how do we know this? 700 students (59% women, 41% men) were asked about their personal preferences for one of the following:

Spouse

Dating partner

Casual sex partner

Same-sex friend

Opposite-sex friend

Then, participants were asked to rank their preferences of the following personality traits from 1 (not at all attractive) to 9 (extremely attractive):

Physical attractiveness

Intelligence

Ambition

Warmth and kindness

Money or earning potential

Expressiveness and openness

Social status

Sense of humor

Exciting personality

Similar background

Similar interests/leisure activities

Complementary personal characteristics

What should make us feel warm and gooey inside is that regardless of the type of relationship, people reported that they wanted the following: warmth, kindness, expressiveness, openness, and sense of humour.

But when we start to do some comparisons, this is where we see some cool differences:

Casual sex partner versus date/mate

–       warmth, kindness, expressiveness, openness, sense of humour is desired for either. Why? People likely viewing casual sex partner as a potential long-term mate so they don’t differentiate too much.

–       When it comes to a casual sex partner, participants reported a preference for the person to be physically attractive and sexually experienced vs date/spouse

–       Here’s the bad news: it was less important for a casual sex partner to be intelligent or warm

–       Moral of the story: people will settle when it comes to casual dates (a pattern not seen when examining potential dates or longer-term mates)

Romantic/sexual partner versus friend

–       Compared to a friend, people wanted dates, spouses, casual sex partners to score high on extrinsic attributes – things like social status and  physical appearance. Guess the people you date say something about yourself.

–       People also desired that their romantic/sexual partners had humour, expressiveness, and warmth. Apparently, we care more about what our dating partners have vs our friends (which makes sense. Unless you’re sleeping with your friends).

Same-sex friend vs opposite sex friend

–      When it comes to our opposite-sex friends, we desire higher levels of physical attractiveness, intrinsic characteristics (warmth, kindness), and social status.

–       But why, you ask? People unconsciously (or consciously) recognize that reproduction is possible with a cross-sex friend so we still want our opposite-sex friends to have good mate traits. We likely view the friendship as stepping stone to romantic relationship.

So…when someone asks you to be their cross-sex friend, feel good about your physical attractiveness, warmth, kindness, and social status.… read more